i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
