ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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