He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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