After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
