I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
