Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
