who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
birth control should be required to get into college
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
