Who did Billy Mays play for?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
