I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
