SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
