I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
