I'm jealous of your bromance
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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