Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
