My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
