Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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