after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
