Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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