I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
