so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
