You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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