You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
