I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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