I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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