My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
