Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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