Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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