He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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