so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
