my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Randomize
