i love accidental penises.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
