By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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