I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
