i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
don't judge my taste in strippers
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
