I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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