Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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