All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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