i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
