I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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