I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
