Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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