I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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