Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
