I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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