I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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