shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
