Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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