He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
