Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
