You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
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Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
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I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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