The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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