I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
