when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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