My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
