Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
