I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
