guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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