WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
